I stood in the doorway, holding it together just barely. The day had made my make-up smudgy and my spirit spiral into a sad, dark hole of despair.
I looked tired, and I felt it, too. I had gotten rejected, again, for a job that I was almost the perfect candidate for. It was the nicest rejection I had gotten to date, and I came home with a little comfort, knowing they “loved me” but went in another direction, but they’re “keeping my resume on file” “in case anything happens.” Comforted, but still a little numb.
My life is in limbo. I know my path in life about as well as I know what I am having for breakfast, but that doesn’t stop me from plowing forward, ready to tackle whatever comes my way. Except….
Except I am tired of being the almost girl.
The girl who is almost the stellar student, who shines but just not bright enough. The girl who is high-achieving but also a little dreamy (I’m a Pisces. That should explain everything). The 4.0 master’s graduate. But my shell keeps my light inside. I have to live my life by my own motto, choose to shine, because if I don’t choose the light, no one would ever see it.
The almost all-star athlete, who chose personal happiness, morals, and ethical behavior over fitting in on a team that made me be someone that I knew I wasn’t.
The almost outgoing girl. The one who almost puts her heart on the line. The girl who always feels like an almost but not the outright choice.
The almost-good-enough-to-be-proud-of-daughter. For years, all I wanted was to feel like I made someone proud.
The girl who was almost the perfect fit for a job, except I wasn’t. I was almost the perfect girl for the third time this year, coming so close to the next fun adventure, only to find out that I was almost chosen for the job, but not quite.
Once, I was close but not the internal candidate. Now, I was the internal candidate but they wanted to shake things up.
Fact of life: We don’t always get what we want. I know this reality and was raised by a mother who taught me to be grateful for what I had, not sad for what I didn’t. Today, as a capital A adult, I am so thankful for this perspective, but I am tired of the almosts in life following me around.
My heart has longed for so long to be somebody other than almost, something more than the average I constantly feel.
I am still working on discerning exactly what my next big dream is, as I finished my master’s program on August 11th and deeply miss being a student. Through the process of figuring out the next step, I have felt lost and hopeless, unsure of who I am, what I want to be, who I want to be, and what I want to do as life moves forward.
Even though I feel dreamless and directionless, I still want to feel worthy. Even though I feel loved often by my husband & friends, I still want to feel more, almost as if I know that there are bigger plans for me in this world than I have planned for myself (pseudo-A Walk to Remember quote).
I almost know it’s too early to write-off any chance of being thee girl, instead of the almost girl someday.