When You Can’t Make a Decision to Save Your Life: A Mini Memoir

Today marks nine months of being married to my best friend. Super cool, I know!

A few of my personality traits have become very apparent in this relationship, one of them being the fact that I take my bra off as soon as I come home and put on my favorite oversized Wolverine t-shirt. Others are not so pleasant.

For example, I get really crabby (like toddler crabby) when I’m hungry, and I like to say “No!” even if I really mean “YES! YES PLEASE!”

But by far the biggest thing I have learned about myself is that I cannot make a decision, big or small, long or short term. I’m the worst. This trait is annoying, especially when Cody and I are trying to decide on which fast food restaurant to go to (not joking) or when it’s my night to pick a movie (also not joking… I have to keep a list otherwise I will waste spend an hour trying to decide).

Sarcasm aside, I have developed a deep hate for my inability to make decisions, especially recently.

In college, I studied sociology and English. Both of these majors were broad enough to keep my interest and allowed me to explore lots of area of study, which also made it difficult to choose what subject or focus I liked best. I told people that I liked the openness attached to my degree.

Then, I went on to get a degree in organizational leadership, which will obviously be beneficial wherever I end up. But, again, the vagueness makes it really hard to decide what I want to do with it.

“The world is your oyster.”

The freedom to take the world into your hands and build your dreams from scratch. This sounds promising, except for someone with a mix of anxiety, depression, and a general hesitance towards anything new.

As I look forward to what lies ahead of my life, knowing exactly where I want my roots planted, with Cody by my side, I am struggling to take even a single brave step forward into holding an oyster in my hand. I am struggling to believe in myself and my gifts enough to move forward from the comfortable (but dreary) job I have, my daily routine, the safety of the four walls I’ve built around myself.

In the days and weeks ahead, I know I cannot do this alone, which is why I am sharing this with you. This is my brave step forward, my leap outside my safety net, as I start sifting through the sand to find my oyster, and I want you all to come along with me.

I have no idea where my life is heading, but I know that if I want it to get going, I need to start making some decisions.

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